Some mornings, you wake up on the wrong side of bed, and go through a mental dilemma on whether it's worth it to put yourself through another work day. Then the sunrise comes along and envelopes you, saying that at least she will be there along the way. And she is the hope of a better day. 



Someone once told me a couple years back before I made up some life changing decisions. "You will regret this. You will end up hurting everyone who cares about you."


I read an article today that resonated with me.



Reflective after a movie. 





Just realised and downloaded the blogger app. Great for my random ramblings, and more private too! It's just another one of those 11 hour work days, where at the end of it, you just feel super jaded with life. Maybe it's the post CNY blues kicking in, or just the usual Monday blues. But closing my laptop so that I can go home and start working on my final capstone project report.... For lack of a better term, it just fucking sucks. 


These long nights are back again.

Time after time, just when I think things are getting better in life, it takes a dip. I mean, I know that life isn't supposed to be all smooth sailing and carefree, but honestly, can't I please just have a break? When will it be enough to break me? And when will I be happy again?

I have never been someone who runs away from their problems, or had a problem with being by myself. But these days, I have been lonely. Its not that I have been alone, in fact, I have been spending time with people over the festive season, but I guess there is a bit of emptiness eating me up inside.

This blog was once used for recording my daily (mis)adventures, or ramblings about life. But in the past years, it's just an outlet for me, when I can't sleep at night. Saddest people write the most, or so they say. Its been a little over 4 years of working life for me - I guess I didn't think I will only be right where I am now. I thought I would be more successful. I thought that maybe by this time, I would have had my future planned out. With luck, a boyfriend in tow, and hopefully marriage and a future in the cards. Who would have thought? I guess life had a different route in store for me.

I think I fall too hard. Maybe its a side effect of believing in love and magic and whats not. The me in 2009, insisted that all she needed was a little "faith, trust and pixie dust". Now, 5 years later in 2014, the me realises, "alis volat propriis". Both quotes, wishing to fly, via a different way. Which girl I prefer more, I think the first. But the latter is more practical, and I guess hurt often enough, not to be cynical, but to know that she can really only rely on herself.

A couple of days left in 2014. I guess I have a lot to be thankful for this year as well, but I will leave those memories for another day. Dear Cheryl, hang in there. Wipe those tears, and chin up. Nothing lasts forever, you know that don't you?


I miss myself.

Is that something really odd to say? I don't know how else to word it but right now at this point in my life, I feel like all I am doing is trying to be somebody I am not. I try to please, but it's not working, and honestly I am sick of being maligned. When will I have a life that is mine?

The other day, I was pretty early for work, and I decided to have maccas bfast, well, just because. After I was done, I threw out the leftovers in the trash, and placed the tray on top of the bin.  It felt right, and then I realised, it's always been second nature, and I have spent much of my life curbing that side when  actually I much prefer that part of me.

I need to stop trying to be someone I am not. I need to stop changing myself because people don't like me the way I am. It's not bad habits I am trying to change, it's the good, it's what makes me, me. Its so sad to become someone I detest. I have changed, my enthusiasm for things, my amusement at silly things, my love for flowers, the different styles I love to dress. I am tired of hiding my purchases, for fear of judgement. I think I have come to a point in life, where I really just want to be alone, so that I can finally just be myself. The me that I have always liked, the me that I was proud to be, the me that was happy.

I think its time I did something for myself.


Apt read for the night. I am a bit drunk. I should not have wine in my fridge.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/ofelia-green/2014/08/loving-someone-broken-doesnt-mean-youll-fix-them/




Pain, it demands to be felt.

Today is another of those days, the kind that I wish to forget it ever happened, but no matter how far back into the corners of my mind I push it, the trace of fear lingers. I watched a movie today- The Fault in our Stars, and its depressing, mainly because its true. I can't say I know the feeling of dying, or the pain that loss brings, but life is painful, and I am tired of hurting.

I always say that I don't need anyone to make me happy, not because I don't want someone to, but because I don't believe anyone can. People disappoint, people change, and I just don't want to deal with having any expectations anymore.

My mind is a whirl, but nothing is coming out. Writing used to make me feel better, clearing my thoughts used to feel like a relief, but is now only a reaffirmation that things are the way it is, no matter how hard I try.

Maybe another time.